Walking Away

I was going to write this last week, in the moment so to speak, however it was in danger of being far too bleak a blog to inflict on the wider world. Instead I waited for things to shift and shuffle in my head, as I knew they eventually would, in order to balance the bleakness before I reported in.

Last week the relationship with someone Yew Tree had been working with for a significant length of time finally broke down and we were forced to walk away from the partnership. This induced a sickening feeling both on a personal level, as we had a great deal of shared history with this organisation and also on a financial one – in a climate like this walking away from business seems almost like professional suicide.

However despite all of this bleakness there was something infinitely empowering about saying enough is enough. We had got into a pattern within this relationship of consistent compromising, of being backed into corner, of operating in a perpetual circle of frustration and vulnerability. The feeling of release that followed our exit has turned out to feel much less like committing professional suicide than I feared; in fact it almost feels a little like redemption.

In the midst of such positivity I imagine you’re questioning whether the bleakness was worth mentioning. However it does play a significant role. It made its presence felt in the last bout of frustration that characterised the death throws of the partnership. The other party refused to see why we would feel the need to go, why we wouldn’t just do what they asked. Consequently our attempt at gracefully backing out whilst trying to maintain a modicum of good will amounted to nothing. As someone who strives to reduce ill will in the world this was a less than positive outcome and all the usual blame and self doubt temporarily kicked in. See bleakness in all its grey, sinister insidiousness.

The last piece of the jigsaw for this particular set of thoughts came last night at a forum of creative young people where I was chairing a discussion with a professional in the field many of them aspire to be successful in. It occurred to me that if you’re certain of what’s important to you, if you’re clear about what is valuable then you’re in a much better position to embark on the adventure, appreciate the moments and take the risks. Moreover you have solid foundations on which to make a stand if such a thing becomes necessary.

So…we move onto the next chapter…free of the fetters of someone who had ceased to understand and value what we do…and this feels good…

Taking Myself Seriously

The New Year has dawned and with it the onslaught of a myriad of promises to the unseen judges about what we’re going to do better this year that we failed at last year. This new beginning is further accentuated as it heralds the start of a new decade as well as a new year. Somehow the promises seem to need greater gravitas, not least because when you think about where you were when the Millennium dawned it emphasises just how quickly time is careering ever onwards.

It took me a while, hence why I’m writing this on the third not the first of January, but I’ve finally thought of a meaningful resolution for 2010. By meaningful I mean something that I haven’t had before and actually feel inspired to do something about. There’s no massive reveal here as it’s in the title of the blog…this year I’m going to take myself more seriously…specifically as a writer.

This was the way my thought process went…

I was reading a blog by a playwright and falling into my usual wistful “Wouldn’t it be lovely to be a recognised writer of theatre…” At this point, if it had been a film, there would have been a jarring abrupt end to the wistful underscoring soundtrack as I realised that in effect I am just that. I’ve written countless plays that have been performed all over the region and received gratifyingly positive responses. I am, in fact, a playwright I just don’t think of myself as one…whenever I get a commission for a new play or an accolade for my writing I respond by feeling lucky. I don’t respond as a writer who expects such things to happen. In fact I’ve been known to visibly quake at the audacity of claiming such a title.

The reason why I feel I need to take myself seriously now is simply that I want to do more. I have things to say and I enjoy putting them in a form that communicates and engages with people. I know that my work has elicited a real response from people and even more importantly enabled people to question or shift their perceptions of their world. I can’t build on this with luck as my only foundation. As a director and trainer I talk so much about the way mind sets influence lives and yet here I am doing exactly what I tell others holds them back. Well no more…from today I accept the title and all it entitles me to and in doing this I look forward to a wealth of opportunities in 2010 to do exactly what I love to do…